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Why Men and Women Can’t Communicate —by Deborah Tannen

admin2010-07-14  101
问题                          Why Men and Women Can’t Communicate
                                                                     —by Deborah Tannen
    A man and a woman were seated in a car that had been circling the same area for a half hour. The woman was saying, "Why don’t we just ask some one?" The man was saying, not for the first time, "I’m sure it’s around here somewhere. I’ll just try this street."
    Why are so many men reluctant to ask directions? Why aren’t women? And why can’t women understand why men don’t want to ask? The explanation, for this and for countless minor and major frustrations that women and men encounter when they talk to each other, lies in the different ways that they use language—differences that begin with how girls and boys use language as children, growing up in different worlds.
    Anthropologists, sociologists and psychologists have found that little girls play in small groups or in pairs; they have a best friend, with whom they spend a lot of time talking. It’s the telling of secrets that makes them best friends. They learn to use language to negotiate intimacy—to make connections and feel close to each other.
    Boys, on the other hand, tend to play competitive games in larger groups, which are hierarchical. High-status boys give orders, and low-status boys are pushed around. So boys learn to use language to preserve independence and negotiate their status, trying to hold center stage, challenge and resist challenges, display knowledge and verbal skill.
    These divergent (有分歧的) assumptions about the purpose of language persist into adulthood, where they lie in wait behind cross-gender conversations, ready to leap out and cause puzzlement or grief. In the case of asking for directions, the same interchange is experienced differently by women and men. From a woman’s perspective, you ask for help, you get it, and you get to where you’re going. A fleeting connection is made with a stranger, which is fundamentally pleasant. But a man is aware that by admitting ignorance and asking for information, he positions himself one-down to someone else. Far from pleasant, this is humiliating. So it makes sense for him to preserve his independence and self-esteem at the cost of a little extra travel time.
    Here is another scene from the drama of the differences in men’s and women’s ways of talking. A woman and a man return home from work. She tells everything that happened during the day: what she did, whom she met, what they said, what that made her think. Then she turns to him and asks, "How was your day?" He says, "Same old rat race." She feels locked out: "You don’t tell me anything." He protests, "Nothing happened at work." They have different assumptions about what’s "anything" to tell. To her, telling life’s daily events and impressions means she’s not alone in the world. Such talk is the essence of intimacy—evidence that she and her partner are best friends. Since he never spent time talking in this way with his friends, best or otherwise, he doesn’t expect it, doesn’t know how to do it, and doesn’t miss it when it isn’t there.
    Another’ source of mutual frustration is the difference in women’s and men’s assumptions about "troubles talk." She begins to talk about a problem; he offers a solution; she dismisses it, with pique (赌气). He feels frustrated: "She complains, but she doesn’t want to do anything to solve her problems." Indeed, what she wants to do about it is talk. She is frustrated because his solution cuts short the discussion, and implies she shouldn’t be wasting time talking about it.
    The female search for connection and the male concern with hierarchy is evident here, too. When a woman tells another woman about a problem, her friend typically explores the problem ("And then what did he say?"" What do you think you might do?"); expresses understanding ("I know how you feel"); or offers a similar experience ("It’s like the time I..."). All these re sponges express support and bring them closer. But offering a solution positions the problem-solver as one-up. This asymmetry (非对称) is distancing, just the opposite of what she was after in bringing up the discussion.
    A similar mismatch of expectations occurs when a woman complains about her boss, and a man tries to be helpful by explaining the boss’ point of view. She perceives this as an attack, and a lack of loyalty to her. One man told me, incredulously, "My girlfriend just wants to talk about her point of view." He feels that offering opposing views is obviously a more constructive conversational contribution. But conversations among women are usually characterized by mutual support and exploration. Alternative views may be introduced, but they are phrased as suggestions and questions, not as direct challenges. This is one of the many ways that men value oppositional stances, whereas women value harmonious ones.
    A woman was hurt when she heard her husband telling the guests at a dinner party about an incident involving his boss that he hadn’t told her. She felt this proved that he hadn’t been honest when he’d said nothing happened at work. But he didn’t think of this experience as a story to tell until he needed to come up with material to put himself forward at the dinner party.
    Thus, it isn’t that women always talk more, while men are taciturn (沉默寡言的 ) and succinct (简约的). Women talk more at home, since talk, for them, is a way of creating intimacy. Since men regard talk as a means to negotiate status, they often see no need to talk at home. But they talk more in "public" situations with people they know less well. At a meeting, when questions are solicited (要求) from the floor, it is almost always a man who speaks first. When the phones are opened on a radio talk show, the vast majority of calls are from men, who are more likely to speak at length, giving introductions to their questions (if they have any) and addressing multiple topics.
    Generalizing about groups of people makes many of us nervous. We like to think of ourselves as unique individuals, not representatives of stereotypes. But it is more dangerous to ignore patterns than to articulate them.
    If women and men have different ways of talking (and my research, and that of others, shows that they do), then expecting us to be the same leads to disappointment and mutual accusation.  Unaware of conversational style differences, we fall back on mutual blame. "You go on and on about nothing." "You don’t listen to me."
    Realizing that a partner’s behavior is not his or her individual failing, but a normal expression of gender, lifts this burden of blame and disappointment. Surprisingly, years together can make the mutual frustration worse, rather than better. After 57 years of marriage, my parents are still grappling (争斗) with the different styles I have described. When my mother read my book (You Just Don’t Understand Women and Men), she said, "You mean it isn’t just Daddy? I always thought he was the only one."
    Understanding gender differences in ways of talking is the first step to ward changing. Not knowing that people of the other gender have different ways of talking, and different assumptions about the place of talk in a relationship, people assume they arc doing things right and their partners are doing things wrong. Then no one is motivated to change; if your partner is accusing you of wrong behavior, changing would be tantamount (等于的) to admitting fault. But when they think of the differences as cross-cultural, people find that they and their partners are willing, even eager, to make small adjustments that will please their partners and improve the relationship.
Men view talk as a means to ______.
选项
答案negotiate status (or: build up prestige)
解析
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