【L1】 【L7】

Good morning! Today’s lecture will focus on how to make people feel at ease in conversations. I guess all of you sitting here can recall certain people who just seem to make you feel comfortable when they are around. You spent an hour with them and feel as if you’ve known them half your life. These people who have that certain something that makes us feel comfortable have something in common, and once we know what that is, we can go about getting some of that something for ourselves.
    How is it done? Here are some of the skills that good talkers have. If you follow the skills, they will help you put people at their ease, make them feel secure and comfortable, and turn acquaintances into friends.
    First of all, good talkers ask questions. Almost anyone, no matter how shy, will answer a question. In fact, according to my observation, very shy persons are often more willing to answer questions than extroverts. They are more concerned that someone will think them impolite if they don’t respond to the questions. So most skillful conversationalists recommend starting with a question that is personal but not harmful. For example, once a famous American TV presenter got a long and fascinating interview from a notoriously private billionaire by asking him about his first job. Another example, one prominent woman executive confesses that at business lunches I always ask people what they did that morning. It’s a dull question, but it gets things going. From there you can move on to other matters, sometimes to really personal questions. Moreover, how your respondent answers will let you know how far you can go. A few simple catch words like "really?", "yes?" are clear invitations to continue talking.
    Second, once good talkers have asked questions, they listen for answers. This point seems obvious, but it isn’t in fact. Making people feel comfortable isn’t simply a matter of making idle conversation. Your questions have a point. You are really asking: what sort of person are you? And to find out, you have to really listen. There are at least three components of real listening. For one thing, real listening means not changing the subject. If someone sticks to one topic, you can assume that he or she is really interested in it. Another component of real listening is listening not just to words, but to tones of voice. I once mentioned D. H. Lawrence to a friend. To my astonishment, she launched into an academic discussion of the imagery in Lawrence’s works. Midway through, I listened to her voice. It was, to put it mildly, unanimated and it seemed obvious that the imagery monologue was intended solely for my benefit. And I quickly changed the subject. At last, real listening means using your eyes as well as your ears. When your gaze wanders, it makes people think they are boring you, or what they are saying is not interesting. Of course, you don’t have to stare or glare at them. Simply, looking attentive will make most people think that you think they are fascinating.
    Next, good talkers are not afraid to laugh. If you think of all the people you know who make you feel comfortable, you may notice that all of them laugh a lot. Laughter is not only warming and friendly, it’s also a good way to ease other people’s discomfort. I have a friend who might enjoy watching at gatherings of people who do not know each other well. The first few minutes of talk are a bit uneasy and hesitant, for the people involved do not yet have a sense of each other. Invariably a light comment or a joke is made and my friend’s easy laughter appears like sunshine in the conversation. There is always, then, a visible softening that takes place. Other people smile and loosen in response to her laughter, and the conversation goes on with more warmth and ease.
    Finally, good talkers are ones who cement a parting. That is, they know how to make use of parting as a way to leave a deep impression on others. Last impressions are just as important as first impressions in determining how a new acquaintance will remember you. People who make others really feel comfortable take advantage of that parting moment to close the deal. Men have had it easier. They would have done it with a smile and a good firm handshake. What about women then? Over the last several years, women have started to take over that custom as well, between themselves or with men. If you are saying goodbye, you may want to give him or her a second extra hand-squeeze. It’s a way to say" I really enjoy meeting you." But it’s not all done with body language. If you enjoy being with someone, if you want to see that person again, don’t keep it a secret. Let people know how you feel and they may walk away feeling as if they have known you half their life.
    OK, just sum up. Today we’ve talked about four ways to make people feel at ease in conversations. These skills are important in keeping conversations going and in forming friendships later on. Of course, these skills are by no means the only ones we can use. The list is much longer. I hope you will use these four skills and discover more on your own in your conversations with other people.