What should be the primary source of help for a troubled couple?

W: When a couple runs into marriage problems, where should they turn?
M: The primary source of help should be the couple themselves. The last book I wrote, Four Weekends to an Ideal Marriage, describes how people can strengthen communication by setting aside a special time or place to meet and discuss their relationship. If they cannot communicate verbally, they might at least write down a list of things that they feel have gone wrong in the marriage. The idea is to discuss these matters constructively, not to be vicious in the criticism. Some church groups have been very successful with marriage encounter weekends that help couples with this process.
W: What if a couple can’t work things out for themselves?
M: If people feel so hitter that they cannot even talk with each other, they should consider very seriously a qualified psychologist. And I stress qualified, because there are a lot of unqualified out there who can make things worse. The best approach I believe is to ask your family physician. If you are having some family problems or marriage problems, who would you seek out? In the main, priests, despite good intentions, are not successful in counseling troubled couples, except for those who had special training in the behavioral sciences. If these two approaches do not work, then maybe the only solution is divorce. This is particularly true if one of the parties simply refuses to work toward repairing the marriage, or, having gone through counseling, does not want to implement ideas suggested.
W: How useful are the trial separations?
M: There is value only if during the course of the separation the parties are actively doing something to come close together and to find solutions to their problems. Merely relying on the old notion that absence will make the heart grow fonder not works.