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  3. Divorce: The Pain That Doesn’t Go Away They’re called "broken homes" for good reason. Nearly everything breaks—possibly beyo

Divorce: The Pain That Doesn’t Go Away They’re called "broken homes" for good reason. Nearly everything breaks—possibly beyo

admin2009-04-23  94
问题                          Divorce: The Pain That Doesn’t Go Away
    They’re called "broken homes" for good reason. Nearly everything breaks—possibly beyond repair—in divorce families: emotions, security, relationships, and possibly even a child’s potential. Divorce means losing the security of an intact family. It shatters the supportive network of family and friends.
    In her recent book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-year Landmark Study, Judith Wallerstein points out the long-term effects of divorce. Beginning in 1971, she periodically conducted in-depth interviews with 131 children and their parents from the time of divorce.
    "We’ve seriously underestimated the long-term impact of divorce on children," she told Family Voice, "and the numerous ways a child’s experiences differ when growing up in a divorced family."
The Divorce Revolution
    At about 50 percent, the United States has the highest divorce rate among Western nations. Thankfully, it has been dropping since the early 1980s, but about half of marriages performed this year will still end in divorce. Shockingly, this rate is no better in Christian families. The Bama Research Group found in 1999 that 27 percent of those who identify themselves as born-again Christians are or previously were divorced, compared to 24 percent of remaining adults. Statistics like these represent a tidal wave of change during the past century.
    Once considered a last resort, by the late 1900s divorce had become viewed as a liberating, even creative experience, a means of "finding oneself". Parents had generally stayed together for the children’s sake. Then came the idea that children benefited more from their parents’ happiness than from family structure. Even if children suffered at the time of their parents’ break-up, so went the thinking, it would only be temporary. They would adjust and bounce back.
    Our culture would like to hold on to this rosy picture, but it is out of touch with research—and with millions of Americans who have experienced the tragedy of divorce. By almost every measure, children of divorce live worse than their peers in intact families:
    Poverty. By conservative estimates, women’s standard of living after divorce drops 27 percent. Divorced, single-parent families are four times more likely to be poor than intact ones. The loss of a husband’s income can pose tremendous hardships. Betty learned this when her marriage ended, leaving her to care alone for two toddlers.
    Men, on the other hand, experience an increase in their standard of living. Some years ago this was widely exaggerated as 42 percent. However, more realistic figures now place it at 10 percent. Despite the stereotype of the carefree bachelor, divorced fathers take on the financial burden of maintaining two households, and this increases further with remarriage.
    Out-of-wedlock pregnancies. Divorce predisposes teens to earlier sexual activity and out-of-marriage pregnancies.
    Education. Children of divorce attain less educationally.
    Marriage. They are more likely to view divorce and cohabitation favorably, marriage less favorably, and to become divorced themselves—especially if their spouse’s parents are also divorced.
    Behavior. As if these concerns are not enough, children of divorce are likely to have behavioral problems. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Michael Katz, they are prone to lying, low achievement, denying responsibility for their own behavior, and difficulty in concentrating.
    Emotions. Significant emotional consequences also occur. "Karen", who is profiled in Wallerstein’s book, described living with a sense of doom, especially when she felt happy. "If happiness increases one’s probability of experiencing loss, think how dangerous it must be to simply feel happy," Wallerstein writes.
    Further, she found that "the major impact of divorce arises in adulthood as serious romantic relationships move centre stage." Lacking a good role model for marriage, children of divorced families experience anxiety, which "leads many into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether."
    No longer can we assume these problems are limited to other people’s children. In Growing Up with a Single Parent, Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefer of the University of Wisconsin report they can occur regardless of race, sex, parents’ education level, or place of residence.
Benefits of Marriage
    On the other side of the fence stand the benefits of marriage, which extend even to health. As Maggie Gallagher and Linda Waite report in The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially, marriage really does mean "settling down" to a healthier lifestyle. Divorced men are three times more likely to commit suicide, for example, than married men. And divorced and widowed men are far more likely to smoke and abuse alcohol.
    In addition, Gallagher and Waite assert that, because of their wives’ influence, married men are more likely to visit the doctor and follow his orders. They tend to eat healthier and more regular meals. And not only men benefit from this "nagging" effect. One study showed that, after three years, women whose husbands encouraged them to improve their health smoked less, slept more, and were more physically active. John E. Murray of the University of Toledo writes that married people live longer and healthier lives than do singles.
    Research and personal experience show that marriage is better for children and their parents. That is no surprise, for Scripture also speaks to the value of marriage.
Turning the Tide
    Despite the many benefits of marriage to society, lawmakers have done little to increase its value in American culture. At the state level, lawmakers could begin by creating real tax advantages for marriage and by eliminating "no-fault" divorce and getting rid of language like "domestic partner" laws and laws that don’t "discriminate on the basis of family structure." Similar reforms are needed at the national level as well.
    While welfare reform became federal law in 1996, state initiatives began in the early 1990s. "Conservatives were talking about the importance of marriage long before that," said Michael Schwartz.
    Meanwhile, a growing private-sector movement is replacing the "culture of divorce" with a "culture of marriage". More than 100 leaders of organizations promoting marriage, such as James Q. Wilson, David Popenoe, Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, et al., signed a document, "The Marriage Movement: A Statement of Principles". It pledged that "in this decade we will turn the tide on marriage and reduce divorce and unmarried childbearing, so that each year more children will grow up protected by their own two happily married parents and more adults’ marriage dreams will come true."
    Church leaders are also taking steps. They have released "A Christian Declaration of Marriage", which encourages churches to develop programs to reduce the divorce rate and increase the marriage rate. They agree to help build a national climate where, with God’s help, couples will commit to a loving, life-giving, faithful relationship that will last for a lifetime.
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