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  3. The Truth About Teens: It Gets Easier...and Then They Leave! The Struggle For mothers of teens, letting go is the basic chal

The Truth About Teens: It Gets Easier...and Then They Leave! The Struggle For mothers of teens, letting go is the basic chal

admin2009-04-23  113
问题                     The Truth About Teens: It Gets Easier...and Then They Leave!
The Struggle
    For mothers of teens, letting go is the basic challenge of this phase of our lives. And only the superhuman can pull it off without experiencing feelings of loss, resentment, anger and exhaustion. On the other hand, if this process of change and separation produces a well-deserved feeling of pride and accomplishment, not to mention the pleasure of sharing life with an almost-full-fledged adult, then the teen years can be golden ones.
    In fact, you may find that behavior that one day drives you screaming from the house can actually prove exciting, even charming, the next. For example, as your teenager’s brainpower develops, so does her ability to formulate more mature opinions. She may still assume you’re "totally wrong" before you’ve opened your mouth, but the argument that follows has the potential to be far more interesting than discussions were a year or two ago.
    Unfortunately, certain aspects of your teen’s growing brain may lead him to do some incredibly lame-brained things. Adolescents are risk takers, a tendency that neurologists(神经学家) are beginning to explain by actually looking at the physiology(生理学) of those areas of the brain that are associated with decision making. Once a child enters adolescence, his risk of dying rises by 300 percent. The vast majority of teens(78 percent) try alcohol in high school, with some 5 million admitting to binge drinking(狂饮) at least once a month. One out of every five kids has sexual intercourse before turning 15—and far more are engaging in other sex play they think "doesn’t count".
    Reading these statistics—or, worse, recognizing that your kid is in pain or in trouble, as many are during adolescence—can make this phase of motherhood feel less like the toddler(初学走路的人) years and more like infancy(幼年). Back then you were probably advised to "read your baby’s signals" when your newborn cried. Likewise, your attempts to read your teen’s behavior now inevitably run headlong into a wail of self-doubt and insecurity. When my 18-year-old daughter, Maddie, was a fragile, helpless newborn, exquisitely ill equipped to tell me what she needed, how could I know for sure that I had done the right thing? When she was a young teenager, increasingly independent, vulnerable and unwilling to tell me what she needed, how could I know for sure that I had done the right thing? Panic attacks, which I associated with my first months as a mother, were part of my experience of Maddie’s and her brother Nick’s adolescence.
    The bottom line is that our teens probably will try drugs, get drunk, and have sex before they’re in college(we hope not all on the same night). The most we can do is try to arm them with enough self-esteem and good sense to make only a few stupid decisions—none of them life threatening—and to have the courage to learn from their mistakes. In fact, we really shouldn’t hope to raise Prince Perfect or Miss Goody Two-shoes. Why? Because there’s compelling evidence that teens who never break the roles, who refuse every beer and cigarette and come-on, don’t live so well when they’re out on their own. According to researchers at Boise State University in Idaho who studied the drinking behavior of 266 incoming freshmen, the model students were less likely than veterans of the party scene to know how to handle their liquor or how to pace themselves. Also, they were less likely to have had a discussion about binge drinking with their parents. After all, why would you have to tell an A student that drinking successive shots of vodka can kill you?
    You have to talk to your kids for the simple reason that all teenagers say they have good judgment when they don’t. All teenagers engage in risky behaviors, because they believe they’re invulnerable. And all teenagers lie to their parents, even when it’s patently obvious that they’re guilty. The key is to avoid the trap of focusing so intensely on the lying that you lose sight of the behavior behind it. When you find yourself caught up in the heat of an argument or put on the spot, find a way to stop the music and step out of the dance.
The Independent Years
    We love the better halves of our adolescents, what we lack or envy or through which we relive pleasurable parts of our past. But when our children are not like us, when the qualities we associate with a successful adulthood—integrity(正直), intelligence, thoughtfulness, determination, ambition, affection—are in low gear or in reverse, we often feel panic or become angry.
    When your 17-year-old son refuses help in math even though he’s been getting C’s, or when your 15-year-old daughter, the chess genius, decides electric guitar is more her thing, you may feel as though the ground has broken into pieces under your feet. But underneath the Mohawk is a kid with whom you may still have much in common; in fact, recognizing that your teenager is quite separate and different from you is a gift. It spares you the curse of unrealistic expectations, of trying to force your teenager into a mold defined by your fantasies, not by hers, of sending the destructive message "If you will bury the parts I don’t like, then I will love you."
    The teen years are also the time to imagine and plan for a life that will be as dramatically different as your years before you became a mother. Just as we had to prepare ourselves for the great impact our children’s arrival would have on our identities and on our relationships, the end of this stage of motherhood requires an equally dramatic—and far more heart-cultivating—adjustment.
    These days my husband, Steve, is as likely to tear up about his adored daughter’s departure as I am. We’re both stunned to have reached this place and to sense the even scarier transition that lies ahead when Nick, 14, goes off to college. "I just can’t believe it," I whisper across our pillows, and when Steve sighs like a lovesick teenager, I know he’s heard me. I’m grateful we’re on a similar emotional page.
    For some mothers, saying good-bye to grown children shines a harsh light on their marriages. But you can’t expect your husband to share your every feeling. His relationship with your children, his sense of himself as a father, and the degree to which that image is central to his identity are vastly different from yours. What you need more than ever is to find ways to express your feelings, listen with compassion, and hold on to each other for support.
选项 A、Y
B、N
C、NG
答案A
解析
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