有一次与一个作家朋友聊天,我问他学写作的最初动机是什么?他想了一会儿说:“为我母亲。为了让她骄傲。”我心里一惊,良久无言。回想自己最初写小说的动机,虽不似这位朋友的那般单纯,但如他一样的愿望我也有,且一经细想,发现这愿望也在全部动机中占了很大比重。这位朋友

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问题     有一次与一个作家朋友聊天,我问他学写作的最初动机是什么?他想了一会儿说:“为我母亲。为了让她骄傲。”我心里一惊,良久无言。回想自己最初写小说的动机,虽不似这位朋友的那般单纯,但如他一样的愿望我也有,且一经细想,发现这愿望也在全部动机中占了很大比重。这位朋友说:“我的动机太低俗了吧?”我光是摇头,心想并不见得低俗,只怕是这愿望过于天真了。他又说:“我那时真就是想出名,出了名让别人羡慕我母亲。”我想,他比我坦率。我想,他又比我幸福,因为他的母亲还活着。而且我想,他的母亲也比我的母亲运气好,他的母亲没有一个双腿残废的儿子,否则事情就不这么简单。
    在我的头一篇小说发表的时候,在我的小说第一次获奖的那些日子里,我真是多么希望我的母亲还活着。我便又不能在家里待了,又整天整天独自跑到地坛去,心里是没头没尾的沉郁和哀怨,走遍整个园子却怎么也想不通:母亲为什么就不能再多活两年?为什么在她儿子就快要碰撞开一条路的时候,她却忽然熬不住了?莫非她来此世上只是为了替儿子担忧,却不该分享我的一点点快乐?她匆匆离我而去时才只有四十九岁呀!有那么一会,我甚至对世界对上帝充满了仇恨和厌恶。

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答案 How I wished my mother were still alive when my first novel got published, and when my novel got prize for the first time! Whenever thinking of this, I became so sad that I could not stand being confined in the house. Then I went to the Temple of Earth and stayed there alone for a whole day. In the endless depression and resentful sorrow, I walked through the whole park, never succeeding in figuring out why my mother could not live two more years. Why couldn’t she hold on a little longer when her son was just going to hew out a new path? Is it that she came to the world just to worry about her son rather than to share any little of my joy?

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